Thursday, May 26, 2011


Hey y'all! I'm experiencing an odd time in my life. A time of nothingness. I am out of school for the summer. This is COMPLETELY weird. 1st break longer than 2 weeks in almost 2 years. I enjoyed the first few days. Now I just feel USELESS. But I'm slowly making plans and adjusting.

After school let out I headed a little further south to the Mississippi Gulf Coast to see my Mama's family. It was a bittersweet time. I enjoyed seeing them and spending time with them.... but without Ethan it sometimes feels surreal. Not a good surreal either. I'm not angry. I'm sad. I'm hurt... I want him back. Though I do not blame God for what happened. My word, How could I blame God? He was the only thing keeping me afloat during my grief. But I still sometimes find moments of confusion... anger... frustration. And I have to cry out and ask WHY? And I sometimes scream and cry that it isn't fair. Because it isn't. It is not fair that Ethan was taken from us so young. But then... after my moment of pure grief. It is silent. Like God is saying, "I know. I know it is hard to understand right now. But I'm here." And God wraps His loving arms around me and just holds me for a while. I'm not going to pretend I understand. Or that I'm okay. I'm not. I don't understand. But I have a God that gives this certain kind of peace. A peace that passes ALL understanding. A Perfect Peace. Sometimes I forget about it and He has to remind me. But it is always there. Peace...

On a lighter note... During our time down south I was able to spend more time with the baby of the family, Ethan's little sister Celeste. She is 2. There are 23 years between the Oldest grandchild (ME!) and the youngest (Celeste). And boy oh boy is she a mess. I have now adopted the phrases, "Tittle Tittle" (Tickle tickle), "Whatehber" (Whatever with arms out stretched and a head and booty shake), "Don't WEEEVE Me!" (3 of the SADDEST words you will EVER encounter!)and this little wake up call, "DET UP! Wight! NOW!" (GET UP! RIGHT! NOW!). She seriously MELTED my heart then ENTIRE time I was there. Her understanding of Ethan's death is BEYOND my early comprehension. She has her moments that she misses him. She will cry and she will tell you that she misses "Bubba", but the most precious moments is when she comforts us all with this "story" of sorts... "Annn trumpet (insert trumpet sound by a 2 yr old). Den horsey! And see Bubba and Jesus!" And her glorious not of this world smile during this story is enough to put a lift in your heart and a bounce in your step, because we WILL see Ethan again! :)

I was also able to spend time with my other cousins. Caleb, Josiah, Rachel, Clarissa..... They are all growing up SO FAST. My heart hurts to see them so... adultish. I can't handle all of this growing up and leaving stuff! KILLS ME! Caleb is talking to the Coast Guard, Josiah is having COLLEGE FOOTBALL scouts coming to meet him at school (UT Knoxville better be NEXT!). Rachel and Clarissa are two of the pretties young ladies. Enjoying school and are SO excited about their summer. I miss them all so much already. When did we let life get so busy? I feel like my life, school especially, has consumed me the past couple of years. I've missed SO MUCH during this time in my life. I don't EVER want that to happen again.

Well... I think that is enough of my heart right now.