My First Christmas in Heaven

My Ethan Man's family read this for Christmas. Tears stream down my face as I
tell you that I feel like its a message from him to us.... He sends the memories down to me at the most perfect of times. 

I miss you my sweet Ethan!

 

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless
Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars,
reflecting on the snow
 
The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year.
 
I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here. 
 
I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing. 
 
I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.
 
So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.
 
I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above.
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.
 
After all, love is a gift more precious
than pure gold.
was always most important
the stories Jesus told.
 
Please love and keep each other,
my Father said to do.
I can't count the blessing or love
has for each of you.
 
So have a Merry Christmas and
Wipe away that tear
Remember, I am spending Christmas with
Jesus Christ this year

*find time*

This is what I am having put on an 11x13 canvas after I graduate in May. I have neglected so much through this journey of Nursing School and I am SO READY to put it behind me and starting focusing on the things that matter the most... My God... My family... My friends...

Thanks God!

I can't believe it is here... The Holidays. This has always been my favorite time of year.... but I'm really struggling right now. Ethan's birthday was hard.... but we always had our family Christmas all together. We didn't get to always be "together" for birthdays, but for Christmas we had our own special time. I can't imgine it without him.... I even had the thought that I don't want to have it, but I know that's not right. We need to keep on, just as Ethan would want us to do... Pray for our family and his baby sisters and parents especially... I really don't know what we would do without God's unchanging grace.
So as we enter the Thanksgiving Holiday I am so very thankful for the constant hand of God in my life... How His arms never cease to hold me tight when I cry... How I always feel his presence when I doubt my purpose or how I can go on. I am so thankful that He touched my life and has and will ALWAYS be with me. Thanks God!

Togetherness

This is a poem my aunt, La Donna, found in the past few weeks amongst sympathy cards over Ethan's passing. I heard her talking about it and how it comforted her knowing that this is what Ethan wanted to tell us. My favorite parts are underlined.

Every day I pray that it gets easier... Every trip down to Mississippi should get better.... but I miss him more than words can say. They say the hurt won't ever heal, it will just get easier to bear...  I hope this is true. I never thought it was possible for you heart to physically hurt from grief and sadness. It does. The pains are daily, the tears are often, and my thoughts of him, and words to him are unending.

I miss you Ethan Man. We all do. Clarissa and I rode your 4-wheeler last week. We road it through the trails you and her always took her on. She laughed and talked of you a lot. Pretty sure you were laughing hysterically at us when we got stuck in reverse and had to literally *back out* of the woods. Ha-ha! She has your sense of adventure! She even went to the Horror House and didn't squeal or get scared like I did. She misses you....

I was giving Celeste and bath. She is so funny. She has your eyes... And her giggle/cackle is you made all over. I am comforted with these little reminders of you.... I'm going to make sure she doesn't forget you. Celeste and I were walking outside at the farm, she wanted to go down to "Ethan's grave"... I wish she didn't know how to say that phrase, or ever had to learn it.

Your Mama and Daddy miss you so much.... We all do, but them especially. You were their little boy. Almost 14 years ago now that they held you for the first time. This week is hard on us all, but they were the ones with those special intimate memories of your first cry, touching you and kissing you as they held you for the first time.... Shine down on them this week... okay, Ethan-Man?

I love you.... I can't way until we are all together again....

~Togetherness~

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room.  

Whatever we were to each other, we still are. Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the same easy way you always have. Laugh as we always laughed at the times we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. 

Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it always was. There is absolute unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of your minds because I am out of your sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.

All is well. Nothing is past. Nothing has been lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before- only better. Infinitely happier. We will be one, together forever.

~Unknown

The Elusive "Hot Dog" Button :P

OOOKAY! So.... Do any of you have those new HI TECH Microwaves? The ones that have the DUMBEST settings. Like "Marshmallow Melting" or "Pizza Reheat" buttons? I mean REALLY? Here lately I've just been slightly amused by all the settings and buttons we have on our microwave. It is just as amusing as my brothers trying to reheat something and http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifasking "How long do I put this in there for?" I mean REALLY? Is it so hard that you can't just pop it in there for a few minutes? Goodness Gracious! So tonight. I'm making a hot dog for my parents and myself, and I decide to see if we have a hot dog setting. We have a setting for EVERYTHING else. Why not a setting/button for a hot dog? Well... To my surprise there isn't one. So I made this little comment, "Huh. No hot dog setting." Well this was enough to send my dear parents into hysteria. *RollsEyes* It was JUST an observation. :P Anyways. So Dad goes and updates his FB status and makes it sound so stupid. Hhhhh... I lead such a HARD LIFE. ;) Just thought you might enjoy this bit of comic relief. So tell me.... Do you have a Hot Dog Button?????

Life.....

Hey y'all! I'm experiencing an odd time in my life. A time of nothingness. I am out of school for the summer. This is COMPLETELY weird. 1st break longer than 2 weeks in almost 2 years. I enjoyed the first few days. Now I just feel USELESS. But I'm slowly making plans and adjusting.

After school let out I headed a little further south to the Mississippi Gulf Coast to see my Mama's family. It was a bittersweet time. I enjoyed seeing them and spending time with them.... but without Ethan it sometimes feels surreal. Not a good surreal either. I'm not angry. I'm sad. I'm hurt... I want him back. Though I do not blame God for what happened. My word, How could I blame God? He was the only thing keeping me afloat during my grief. But I still sometimes find moments of confusion... anger... frustration. And I have to cry out and ask WHY? And I sometimes scream and cry that it isn't fair. Because it isn't. It is not fair that Ethan was taken from us so young. But then... after my moment of pure grief. It is silent. Like God is saying, "I know. I know it is hard to understand right now. But I'm here." And God wraps His loving arms around me and just holds me for a while. I'm not going to pretend I understand. Or that I'm okay. I'm not. I don't understand. But I have a God that gives this certain kind of peace. A peace that passes ALL understanding. A Perfect Peace. Sometimes I forget about it and He has to remind me. But it is always there. Peace...

On a lighter note... During our time down south I was able to spend more time with the baby of the family, Ethan's little sister Celeste. She is 2. There are 23 years between the Oldest grandchild (ME!) and the youngest (Celeste). And boy oh boy is she a mess. I have now adopted the phrases, "Tittle Tittle" (Tickle tickle), "Whatehber" (Whatever with arms out stretched and a head and booty shake), "Don't WEEEVE Me!" (3 of the SADDEST words you will EVER encounter!)and this little wake up call, "DET UP! Wight! NOW!" (GET UP! RIGHT! NOW!). She seriously MELTED my heart then ENTIRE time I was there. Her understanding of Ethan's death is BEYOND my early comprehension. She has her moments that she misses him. She will cry and she will tell you that she misses "Bubba", but the most precious moments is when she comforts us all with this "story" of sorts... "Annn trumpet (insert trumpet sound by a 2 yr old). Den horsey! And see Bubba and Jesus!" And her glorious not of this world smile during this story is enough to put a lift in your heart and a bounce in your step, because we WILL see Ethan again! :)

I was also able to spend time with my other cousins. Caleb, Josiah, Rachel, Clarissa..... They are all growing up SO FAST. My heart hurts to see them so... adultish. I can't handle all of this growing up and leaving stuff! KILLS ME! Caleb is talking to the Coast Guard, Josiah is having COLLEGE FOOTBALL scouts coming to meet him at school (UT Knoxville better be NEXT!). Rachel and Clarissa are two of the pretties young ladies. Enjoying school and are SO excited about their summer. I miss them all so much already. When did we let life get so busy? I feel like my life, school especially, has consumed me the past couple of years. I've missed SO MUCH during this time in my life. I don't EVER want that to happen again.

Well... I think that is enough of my heart right now.